alive.

   Flat on my face.

That's where I have been this week.

Flat. On. My. Face.

This last year has been hard.

Spiritually speaking.

If you know me at all you know my passion and love for Jesus.

This last year Jesus and I kinda broke up for a bit.

I was heartbroken (though I wouldn't really admit it).

 And I know he was devastated.

What happened?

I'm still trying to figure it all out.

I think it started with allowing myself to wallow in discouragement and self pity

as I struggled to get a grip on my anxiety.

Why wouldn't God just take this horrible affliction from me?

I begged.

I pleaded.

I prayed.

I cried.

Nothing.

Well.
That right there kinda pissed me off.

Seriously.
Just heal me already.

I started to become annoyed at everything.

Every.thing.

Every Christian cliche I read or heard made me want to punch someone in the face.

I just gotta be real here, when you're suffering, Christians can be real annoying!

(yes, I am a Christian. I'm sure I've fallen into the annoying category a time or two)

Church annoyed me.

Why all the fuss?

The whole dressing up, rushing to church.

Can't I just read my Bible in my living room in my pj's?

(we attempted this many times but I never actually read my Bible. I did manage to stay in my pj's)

Then it happened. 

I stopped singing.

I don't mean I just stopped singing on the stage.

I stopped singing all together.

I would stand silent Sunday mornings as everyone around me lifted their hands and voices in praise.

Again, If you know me at all you know something must have been terribly wrong!

I am the loudest of all singers, with my hands held high 

and my feet are forever leaving the floor as I dance with joy!

But I couldn't. 

And GOSH! These happy, singing people are annoying.

I stood looking at my shoes.

Lips pressed tight.

On a recent Sunday morning as I stubbornly stood looking at my feet,

I realized I felt dead inside.

I felt nothing.

I was just ... there.

(And only because Andy drug me there)

"How long have I felt like this?" I wondered.

Too long.

"This isn't me. 

What is wrong?!"

I didn't want to but I went forward for prayer when the service was over.

I was brutally honest with the prayer minister about my feelings (or lack of).

She was incredibly kind and gracious.

She prayed for me.

I still felt nothing.

Oh well.

I tried.

I went about my days being annoyed.

But then one day I found myself singing.

"Hope has a way of turning it's face to you just when you least expect it.

You walk in a room and look out the window and something there leaves you breathless.

You say to yourself, it's been a while since I felt this but it feels like it might be hope."

Those were the lyrics I was singing.

Something was stirring in my belly.

Hope.

The days went on and the stirring continued.
Little by little I could feel my heart softening.
All those annoying things weren't quite as annoying anymore.

I started talking more and more with Jesus again.
Our conversations started with me kinda still complaining about things.
He listened but I'm sure I got an eye roll or two. ;)
And then suddenly I knew.
It was me.
I was the problem.
I had been harboring such anger, unforgiveness, self pity!

"Jesus. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for my bad attitude. I'm sorry for not trusting you. I'm sorry for refusing to worship you just because I didn't get my way. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

That was my first on my face moment of the week.
There were many more that are too personal to share but they were amazing.

Falling flat on your face and repenting is one of the most incredible experiences.
It's humbling for sure!
But incredible.
Why?
Because when you do, Jesus comes rushing right in.
He forgives immediately.
Then he forgets!
And he just loves on you.
You feel his warmth and his love so deeply.
It's indescribable.
And once you feel it you wonder how you ever doubted his goodness.

His goodness.
Just typing that made me smile.

Being annoyed and cynical is so exhausting.
Knowing God's goodness is exhilarating!

I feel alive again.
I feel him breathing life into my soul.
These dry bones are coming to life again!
Ready to dance!
A new song of praise on my lips!

Ironically tomorrow is Easter.
A day to celebrate!
A day to acknowledge that God is still living and moving among us!
A day to celebrate that although life is not perfect,
(I still have anxiety. You have your issues.)
We can live because he is alive in us.

Celebrate that this Easter weekend.
It might just make you fall on your face.

a beautiful truth.

You know that feeling.

Standing in front of the mirror

as you get ready for your big date night.

Hair in a towel.

Feeling excited as you put your red lipstick on.

Then you see it.

The pimple.

NO!

Next to the pimple ... a wrinkle.

Your eyes wander down to the dreaded 

"don't even look there" zone.

We'll call it the tummy region.

35 years old.

3 (BIG) babies.

3 c-sections.

Gallbladder surgery.

and the scar from that belly ring from wild days gone by.

Disgust takes over.

'I will never look the way I did when I met him.'

'I will never look like the Victoria Secret model'

 (that I think he so desires).

Then you see him staring at you in the mirror.

It's all over his face. 

The truth.

You see exactly what he's thinking.

He thinks you're beautiful.

Like, really beautiful.

Perfect?

No.

But as his bride.

He has seen every pregnancy, 

was there through each surgery, 

and has watched the wrinkles slowly form on your face.

And in that second

you know it's true.

This truth penetrates deep into your heart for the first time.

You are his beloved.

His eyes may be tempted at times to look astray.

But they always return to you.

You are what he wants.

You are what he has always wanted.

And he desperately wants you to believe that.

Finally.

Finally, I believe it.

I pray you can too.

goodbye world.

So maybe my title is a bit dramatic.

Maybe it should say goodbye facebook world.

I like to be dramatic though.

And I'm only saying goodbye for a short time

(at least I think).

God is calling me out of my comfort zone.

My comfort zone has always been on the stage.

With a microphone.

It feels like my home.

Where I belong.

On Sunday as we gathered with our church family to worship,

my heart ached to be on that stage leading.

But God said, 

"not right now, Sarah."

*sob*

Instead he is calling me to the most uncomfortable thing I can imagine.

SILENCE.

Just looking at that word sends a mild panic attack through my body.

Silence is so boring.

It's lonely.

Did I say boring?

I like fun!

I like parties!

And dancing!

And silliness!

I like small talk and chit chat!

I like updating my status and interacting with you all!

But alas.

God is asking me to retreat into solitude.

I think this will truly be one of my greatest tests!

It may be one of Andy's too since he'll have to hear all of the things I usually share with you!

#PrayForAndy

I'll leave my page up for a week so you can all digest this shocking news.

Or because I'm just not quite ready and I'm stalling...

I plan to be logged off until after Christmas.

So. Here are a few things I would have probably shared if I was on facebook:

*We are hosting thanksgiving in one hour and I'm still in my pajamas!

(oh wait. that was my status last thanksgiving.)

*10 years ago today our beautiful daughter was born. Where has the time gone?

Happy Birthday Sophie!

   ~insert adorable photo~

*Great night at the gym flipping some tires and doing some pushups!

 ~insert badass photo of myself~

*Photo of our Christmas tree

oh that reminds me...

*For the sake of our new simple life we will not be doing Christmas cards this year so:

Merry Christmas from The Bylers!

I think that covers the major events.

Although I'm hesitant and afraid

I know the Lord only wants the absolute best for me.

There is a reason behind of all of this and I know it is good.

Because my God is good.

I'm excited to see whatever it is he wants to show me.

So long my friends!

Well...in a week.... 

learning.

Andy and I have made a very conscious effort to simplify life by clearing our calendar.

It has been wonderful in every way.

Sure saying "no" can be uncomfortable at times 

but when we are home having an unhurried evening, enjoying our children

we are so thankful we chose to feel uncomfortable for that half a minute.

Clearing the calendar has meant there is a lot of time for thinking.

A lot of time.

I am learning a lot about myself.

I'm learning that I constantly search for noise.

TV, Pandora, texting, facebook, etc. etc. etc. etc.

I feel uncomfortable when it is silent. 

Yet once I get past the first minute or two it's actually quite enjoyable.

I'm learning I love to art journal.

I'm a terrible artist but I enjoy journaling with colors and doodles.

I do this every evening during our family candle time.

I'm learning my kids get on my nerves when I'm too "busy" for them.

"Why do you need your butt wiped this freaking second!?

I'm pinteresting a wonderful idea for the wine party I'm never going to have!"

**I stomp to the bathroom and acting as annoyed as possible I wipe the cute little butt.

I'm learning that I feel the need to share every thought that pops into my crazy little head.

(chuckling as I blog all these thoughts)

I keep thinking about high school.

I had NO cell phone.

No internet.

 Snapchat.

Voxer.

HOW DID I SURVIVE??

Really. 

No one ever knew all my thoughts.

They all thought I was normal.

And quiet.

I was even labeled shy.

HA!

So why now do I feel this constant urge to over share?

I really have no idea.

But I'm learning I need to keep some things sacred. 

Today as I was folding laundry Oliver pulled himself up on the basket and looked so cute.

I quickly stood to get my phone 

(which takes pictures and then can immediately be uploaded to the world).

Then I stopped.

I sat down.

I looked at his sweet slobbery smile as he chewed on a clean sock.

Oh the joy that overtook my soul.

A beautiful moment with my 9 month old son that passed too quickly

 (as he found a dead bug to chew on).

I would have missed that joy filled moment had I grabbed my phone.

I'm learning I want more of these moments.

This is going to be hard.

It will be uncomfortable.

Breaking habits always is.

But oh the joy I foresee as I cherish these sacred and fleeting moments.

I'm challenging myself to keep certain moments just for me.

Just for my family.

I'll continue to share on Facebook but I will be more careful about what and when I share.

I don't want to miss the magic of a moment so you can all see it.

I want to see it. 

And feel it.

And cherish it.

the simple way.

This week our History lesson is on Daniel Boone

(did you know he named his gun Tick-Licker? Very interesting).

As we read about Daniel Boone and his discovery of Kentucky,

I am drawn to the simplicity of his time.

Sure there was no road from Virginia to Kentucky.

And there were Indians lurking behind every corner.

Sure one or two people didn't make it to Kentucky because of "the fever" 

or some other strange disease.

But there is something beautiful in his journey.

The love of nature.

The hard work yet simple way of living.

Hunt for your food.

Make your clothes.

Work to simply live.

Not live to work.

I have also recently read the Little House books to the girls.

Again, hard workers yet such a simple life.

Listening to Pa play the fiddle around the fire every night.

Finding joy in reading a book as a family.

Dolls made out of corn stalks for goodness sake!

We canceled our cable this week.

Right before an Eagles game that would only be aired on ESPN.

GASP!!  

(not sure Andy thought that one through)

The original plan was for him to go to a friends house to watch it.

But then we did the unthinkable...

we dug out our old radio and LISTENED to the game!

Andy in his recliner with a beer and me at his side,

 just listening to a football game.

This was my version of listening to Pa play the fiddle by the fire.

I am craving simplicity.

I am craving a life that includes hard work minus the rush.

The rush is stealing my joy.

My peace.

And in turn stealing the joy and the peace of my family.

This constant rat race is sucking the life out of me.

So. I'm done.

I know this will not be the norm and I know many people won't understand this decision.

I am saying goodbye to all activities outside of my home for this busy season we are in.

We live in a society that says we can do it all!

We can be amazing mothers while building our careers, pursuing our personal dreams

and we are too look amazing doing it!

These women may exist. And more power to you if you are one of them!

I however, am NOT.

And guess what?

That's OK.

I am an amazing mother. 

I really am.

But I have allowed distractions and unrealistic expectations of myself to

turn me into a stressed out, exhausted, grouchy, mother.

As I step away from things and begin to refocus,

I am seeing for the first time that I'm good at this mothering thing.

And I actually really enjoy it!

When I take the TIME to enjoy it.

Don't get me wrong

it is HARD WORK!

But hard work is not what I'm separating myself from.

I want to have time to notice the beautiful cornfields against the blue sky.

I want to sit around the dinner table with my family without rushing off to the next event.

I want to dry the dishes with my girls and talk to them.

I want to sit at my husbands side and listen to the football game on the radio.

I want the simple life.

Saying goodbye to the rat race is actually painful at times as I say goodbye 

to some of my dreams and goals, and probably even some friends who won't understand.

But the peace and joy that lies ahead for myself and my family is worth the short-lived pain.

This life is short and precious and beautiful.

I want to experience the beauty.

I want to live a life of love, joy and peace the way God intended me too.

"The battle for our hearts are fought on the pages of our calendars" - Bob Goff

hope for the anxious.

It's been so long since I've written a blog post that I couldn't find my own blog!

Then once I found it I realized the baby in my photo is now 3

and we've added a baby!!

I'm not looking to start blogging again

I just wanted to share something and it was too long for a Facebook post.

Most of you will not care too much about this and that's fine.

But I wanted to share for the many people who have text me, 

messaged me and asked me about my journey with anxiety

as many of you are (unfortunately) on a similar journey.

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember.

I didn't identify that it was anxiety until my 20's

but looking back it's always been there.

I somehow got labeled as "laid back" when I was young.

I guess I appear that way most of the time.

Inside however I am far from laid back!

Inside I have a feeling of a constant adrenaline rush.

It never stops.

It's exhausting.

There have been days that I feared my body would literally shut down from the exhaustion.

A few years ago I began a mild anxiety medication.

It worked wonders!

I experienced relief for the first time.

However, over the last 9 months my anxiety went from a constant 5 to a constant 10!

It was literally debilitating.

I would curl up in bed and listen to worship music for hours.

I quit the worship team because I could hardly get up on the stage to sing anymore.

(I quickly came to my senses though knowing I couldn't live without leading worship 

and begged Gary to let me back on the team!)

Things seemed dire and I told Andy I needed to do something immediately.

My body couldn't handle the endless anxiety.

I called my family doctor who prescribed me a stronger anxiety medication.

YES! 

No.

This medication turned me into a zombie.

I could hardly keep my eyes open through out the day.

Someone with 4 kids needs to keep their eyes open!

I was so discouraged and losing hope that I'd ever find relief.

I asked Andy to call Phil Haven and have me checked in.

I seriously asked him to do that.

(OK maybe I just wanted a vacay from the kids but whatever..)

With the recommendation from a dear friend we found a counselor and made an appointment.

For the record, I think EVERYONE could benefit from counseling!

Andy came with me and afterwards said,

"I didn't think I was one for counseling but I loved that!"

Talking brings healing.

The first question my counselor asked was "do you exercise regularly?"

Um. No.

His reply.

" YOU MUST."

Exercise is a must for anyone struggling with anxiety (and I would imagine depression).

I went to the YMCA that night with my fitness freak father :)

It felt so good.

Andy and I joined the gym the next week.

I.FEEL.AMAZING.

I have been working out 5/6 days a week for 3 weeks.

My anxiety has gone from a 10 to a 2.

THAT IS INCREDIBLE!

Why had my family doctor (who I love by the way) never suggested this?

Why was he so quick to drug me?

I think it's just what we do in America.

 For years I've searched for relief using:

Drugs

Alcohol

Food

Medication

and anything else that I thought would make me feel better, if even for a few short moments.

I've never experienced anything like the high I get from a good workout!

I have finally found the relief I have been searching for.

If you are struggling with anxiety or depression

I highly, highly encourage you to start a daily workout routine.

I know everyone is different and everyone's journey will look different

but I am confident that exercising will help anyone struggling with mental health.

And I am hopeful it will also get me back into my skinny jeans! HA. 

As you continue your journey and I continue mine,

I hope that the stigma of anxiety and depression can be broken.

That's a huge reason I'm even writing this. 

I KNOW for a fact I am not alone.

And there is hope and healing for all of us struggling!

I am moving forward with the help of My (loving, patient) God, my amazing husband, counselor, family and friends, prayer warriors, and my new passion for exercise!

Don't keep your struggle a secret.

Ask a trusted family member or friend to pray with you.

Seek help from a counselor who can help you work through things.

And never walk in shame because you're struggling.

OK, my baby needs to eat so I gotta run!

Then I"m off to the gym for a Warehouse Workout!!

Praying peace, healing, hope and joy over all of you who are struggling!

much love.

world changer

A stirring for missions has always been on my heart.

I see myself working in an orphanage,

feeding the homeless,

traveling the world; leading thousands in worship.

These things move me.

They excite me.

They have been my desires and prayers.

I want to make a difference.

Leave a mark.

Yet here I sit in Lancaster County.

 

I fold laundry.

I cook.

I clean toilets.

I tie shoes.

I sign permission slips.

I pick up toys.

Change diapers.

Give baths.

Fold laundry.

 

Hardly making a mark on this world.

 

I often get restless.

I feel useless.

Sometimes trapped.

 

When I asked God, recently why I cannot go on a "mission"

he clearly spoke to my heart,

"You are on a mission. 

I created this specific task for you.

I've given you these specific people to love. 

Serve them with all your heart.

Love them. 

Minister to them. 

Equip them.

For I have a specific task in mind for each of them too!"

 

 I'm not running an orphanage in Guatemala - 

but I have 3 children who need tender love and care.

I may not be feeding the homeless -

 but I have 4 mouths right here to feed.

I may not be a well known worship leader - 

but I sing Jesus Loves Me every night to a captive audience.

 It can seem small.

It can be hard.

It can make you bang your head on the kitchen counter.

(I can't be the only one who does that)

 

{My sweet, dear children can turn me into an absolute lunatic!

A nice game of Candy land can quickly turn into crying kids 

and a screaming mom, who throws the game in the box and says "forget it!"

And making brownies with ones children .. well that can drive a mother to drink!}

 Story time:

I was cooking with my kids.

They were making me curse under my breath.

I felt my blood pressure rising.

I stopped, 

turned away from the kids,

closed my eyes,

 and silently said

"OK Jesus, now. 

This is when I need you. 

Right. Now. 

Please help."

 

I trust he knew exactly what I needed.

Patience.

Grace.

Love.

Gentleness.

 

No one was injured during the rest of the task

and we even enjoyed it.

That is God at work, people.

 

He is using this mission field to work in my heart.

To teach me as I teach them.

To stretch me.

To show me what it really means to serve.

To love.

I'm learning to love this mission.

I'm allowing him to work in me instead of protesting.

I'm embracing this enormous task!
I have the ability 

(with the Lords help and guidance)

to raise 

WORLD CHANGERS.

Humble, servants who lead by love.

And where will they learn to love?

Right here.

 

 My sphere of influence may not be large,

 but my influence on the people inside these 4 walls is enormous.

 

I can make the biggest mark,

leave the greatest legacy,

by simply loving the ones in my home, first.

 

 

 

 

 

I changed my mind about trick or treat.

I'm not a fan of Halloween for many reasons.

Some reasons are faith based

(but they are our personal beliefs so I'm not even going to go there.

 Everyone has there own beliefs and that is absolutely fine!).

I hate the excessive candy.

I hate all the money spent on extravagant costumes.

You get the point,

I'm not a fan.

So we generally don't participate in the festivities.

We have explained to our kids all the reasons and they have never fussed.

Well .. until tonight.

"It's not fair! Everyone trick-or-treats! We're the only ones not going!"

I started the whole

"well life's not fair.."

speech.

As I was spiel-ing

I started to think ..

really what's the big deal?

Should I just take them?

Hmmm.

 

I caved.

We dumped out the dress up box 

and picked out our finest princess and ballerina attire!

 

The excitement was overwhelming!
I am totally mother of the year in their eyes after the abrupt change of heart.

So we set off.

Our first neighbor didn't have candy.

Um, lameee.

(Kidding Fishers, totally kidding!!!)

As we walked up the road I noticed a neighbor I have never introduced myself too.

I hate that. 

We live right across the street and have never said hello.

So, I said "Hi! I'm Sarah! I live in the yellow house across the street"

She was quick to share her name and quicker to invite us back to her house for candy.

(we were out by the mailbox)

 

We walked back and made small talk.

She gave the girls their treats and then asked if we could come in.

We went in and she gave us a tour of her cute modest home.

I noticed all of her art work and when I asked about it

she shared she had painted them all!

How did I not know this woman was an artist?

How did I not know she had a dog named Buster?

How did I live across the street for over a year and never say hello?

 

The girls were anxious for more treats so we made our way to the door and said goodbye.

 

As we continued on our candy hunt I had to think --

Yes, I have a lot of valid reasons to hate this "holiday"

but you know ..  it's just like anything else in life,

 It's what you make it.

We didn't spend any money on costumes,

we only went to a few houses so the candy was in moderation

and most importantly we made a connection with the nice woman across the street.

Life is what we make it.

We can sit inside hiding with our lights off

Or 

we can get out and let our light shine.

 

I have some candy to eat now.

Come.

It's Monday afternoon.

The last week and weekend have been rough.

I've been suffering from debilitating anxiety.

Debilitating as in:

I don't want to leave my husband's side ..

ever.

(poor guy)

I don't want to hang out with friends or chat on the phone.

I skipped church. 

I dread the grocery store.

On and on.

I've always suffered from anxiety but found healing 

from it a couple of years ago, through prayer and medication.

(GASP! Sarah takes medication!? Poor soul. Must be one of those crazies.)

{what's with the stigma with depression and anxiety anyway?! If I had diabetes I would control it with medication, correct? Correct. So leave your judgements here.}

 

This last month has been draining for me.

I realized yesterday I have been pouring out to others but not taking the time to refill and refresh myself.

I've been carrying the load of life all by myself.

That's enough to give anyone anxiety!
Last night I heard God calling.

He said "Come." 

I didn't feel like it.

Not only didn't I want to chat on the phone but I didn't want to chat with God.

Leave me alone, Lord, I just want to watch Grey's Anatomy.

He said "OK."

Then I felt bad.

OK, Lord what can I do for you?

"How about what can I do for YOU, Sarah?

I want to help. I want to carry this burden, this load.

I've been waiting for you to ask"

Oh. 

 

 

So I simply said,

Lord, forgive me for trying to conquer the world on my own.

I need you. I need only you. Only by your strength can I live.

Come and fill this heart with your peace.

Give me strength for tomorrow.

Be my source.

Amen.

 

Today has been a good day.

 

Let him help you today.

He's just waiting for you to ask.

 

the trip that forever changed me.

My house is so quiet.

My big girls are both in school full day 

and baby boy is napping.

I'm puttering (I am so my mother) 

 around the house enjoying the silence.

As I putter I'm processing.

I'm processing the trip that changed me forever.

Writing helps me process.

There are no words that could truly describe this trip

but in an attempt to better understand it myself, I will try.

7 weeks ago I was on vacation with my family at the beach.

As we were enjoying the fun and sun we received word 

that a friend, who was also on vacation in Oregon, had been in a bicycle accident.

She had a severe injury to her brain.

Pray! All we could do was pray.

Initially it put a dapper on our vacation. 

We were in shock and we were so sad. 

I realized though we need to keep living and we need to enjoy living.

We need to make the most of this vacation and make memories

for our children to cherish. So we did. It wasn't always easy but we made the choice.

After returning home and getting into my routine of early mornings in Gods presence

I sensed him saying "Go to Oregon."

What?

Um. That surely wasn't God.

*Ignore*

The next morning in His presence,

"Go to Oregon"

Oh dear. I think this is God.

* still ignoring*

The next morning,

Yes. He said it again.

This is insane.

What will I do there God?

Cry and be awkward like I usually am?

He said "Just go. I'll tell you what to do when you get there."

Um. 

Alrighty then.

I cautiously approached Andy.

He is a gracious, low key, laid back man

but what would he say when I tell him I think I'm supposed to fly across the country,

the first week our kids start school and I have no idea why I'm going?

Well he said, "Okay."

Seriously, most laid back guy ever!

We talked with Bill (the husband of my friend who was in the accident) 

and booked my tickets!

OH MY WORD!

WHAT AM I DOING?

This is the dumbest idea I've ever had!
That wasn't the Lord speaking that was me being ridiculous.

"Andy can I get a refund on those plane tickets?" 

NO.

Sigh.

The day came for me to leave.

I felt pukish. I may have cried. 

I was terrified.

I had no plan or agenda.

I figured well, I'm a singer so I guess I can sing to her! 

OK. I had somewhat of a plan.

I'm breathing again and feeling less pukish.

I arrived in Oregon and Bill took me to the rehab center where Glenda is being cared for.

Reality hit. And it hit hard.

There in bed lays my friend.

Lifeless.

Beautiful but far away from us.

I saw the photos around her bed of her biking, and laughing and eating ice cream.

And then I looked down at her body.

I held in the tears for fear that once I released them they would never stop.

Bill and I spent time talking.

Glenda's parents were there as well. 

As the conversation got hard I felt prompted to sing.

Great is Thy Faithfulness,

kept coming to my mind.

Again, I ignored this prompting.

(Are you sensing a theme here?)

Then Bill handed me a paper; an email he had received.

What was the email?

The lyrics to Great Is Thy Faithfulness.

The tears came. 

I cried and cried. 

I cried for my friend. I cried for her family. And I cried because in the midst

of the hurt God came and showed me he was at work.

Great IS his faithfulness.

I sang.

The Holy Spirit came and breathed his refreshing winds on us.

God was in that room. We all felt him.

I went to bed that night exhausted but knowing God was at work.

The next morning as I sit by Glenda's bed I felt prompted to walk around the rehab center and 

just love on the patients there. I did not ignore this prompting 

(trust me I wanted to! But I knew I would miss seeing God at work if I did).

I walked around and prayed. I asked God to lead my steps 

and show me who he wanted to encounter that day. 

I met a woman with one leg who had been there for four years. She was very lonely.

Her husband had died several years before. The sadness in her eyes was overwhelming.

We chatted a bit. I saw God move as her eyes brightened.

I began to walk down the hall.

I saw a women coming towards me in a wheelchair. I smiled at her.

That's all I did. But I can assure you she and I encountered God in that moment.

I felt His presence like a forceful wind as I walked towards her.

When I smiled, her entire being changed.

She sat up and returned the smile. She was glowing. 

There was something happening in the supernatural. 

That moment changed me forever.

All I did was smile.

But that's all God needed to touch this woman's heart.

Later I met Rita.

Rita was discouraged and angry as her knee surgery went terribly wrong

and she was in great pain and stuck in this rehab center.

We chatted and I asked her if I could pray with her.

She got very nervous,

I told her it was OK to say no.

"Oh thank you!" she replied.

She said, "I think you believe in a God that heals and I don't".

I don't know why she said that but she was correct.

I told her I would pray for her  in the hallway :)

And I did. 

I returned the next day to see a smiling, Rita!
She had just returned from the doctor.

Her knee was fine and she got the OK to go home!

My, did I chuckle at God.

I could continue but this would be a never ending post.

We saw God moving in Oregon.

We felt him all around us.

He is ever present in time of trouble.

I had gone to Oregon with the hopes of seeing healing in Glenda's body.

I did not see that miracle.

But I saw many.

I don't understand the ways of God.

But I'm choosing to trust in him and trust in his goodness.

He loves Glenda more than any of us here on earth do.

I know he will take care of her.

I know he is with her.

And he is with you.

Watch for Him today.

Watch for him tomorrow.

He's moving.

He's working.

And he's changing hearts.

Great Is Thy Faithfulness O God.

shut yo mouth!

Well hellooooo! 

How are ya?

I'm good. 

Why haven't I been blogging you ask?

Well quite frankly I have nothing interesting to say.

I update my facebook status daily, I tweet, I blog

and then I think:

Who cares!?

Who cares that I drank a smoothie for lunch?

Who cares that my kids are undeniably the cutest things alive
{hence all the photos of them}?

Who cares about my random thoughts?

Yet, I continue. 

LOL.

SO if you care, please keep reading.

If not, that's OK too.

I felt incredibly impressed to write this.

On Sunday night at my dad's birthday party,

I found myself talking smack on people.

Laughing at someone's awful haircut.

Then earnestly listening to the gossip on so and so's divorce.

Then laughing again about the haircut.

(don't worry it wasn't you!!)

Why the public confession of my sin?

Because since that night I have thought it over a thousand times.

Why did I feel the need to tear someone down?

Someone who wasn't even there.

I surely wouldn't have said that to their face!

{in fact I would probably have smiled and said, "Oh I like your hair!"}

[don't even act like you've never done that.]

Why do we do this?

Why is it entertainment to talk about someone else's pain?

Why do we critique and criticize others?

Because we are perfect, right?

My heart desires to be a lover.

A lover of people.

An encourager.

A woman who speaks life.

NOT DEATH AND DESTRUCTION.

And our words ARE that powerful! 

They can destroy.

Let's be a people who ooze love.

Let's not get caught in the trap of gossip or trash talk.

Let's rise above and be an example to those around us,

 whether it be co-workers, friends, or our children.

Let our words speak truth and life.

May our mouths overflow with goodness and laughter and kindness 

and grace and joy

because our hearts cannot contain it all!!

YES!

Let's do it.

So next time you find yourself tempted to say something unkind, or rude, or just unnecessary,

may I suggest you

SHUT YO MOUTH!

truth be told

Most of you know I woke up a few weeks ago
and decided to rip my kitchen apart
so I could paint the cabinets and walls.
It's still ripped apart.
We're getting there!

Today someone at church said to me,
"You're amazing! How do you do it all!?"
Well --
I don't.
Please, please don't think I have it all together,
or that I'm some super woman,
or that I'm painting in heels with perfect hair
(although I know Andy would enjoy that..)

I never, ever want to give that impression!
I never want to pressure others to do it all
because they think everyone else is doing it all!
We can't do it all!
If we choose to paint our kitchen
then chances are the laundry isn't getting done,
and chances are pizza is being ordered far too often,
and chance are socks are being pulled out of the hamper
(eww. I would never do that...)

So here is my house.
This is exactly what it looks like as I sit here and type.
Maybe I should be cleaning?
Nah,
It's Sunday.

The Kitchen

The Dining Room

The Laundry Room
I mean Living Room

The Foyer
WELCOME!

And sadly
My Bathroom

There.
Feel better?

for the men

My last post was about true beauty.
Encouraging women (myself included)
not to listen to the lie the world is telling us about beauty
but instead to seek after the heart of God and allow him
to shine through us, making us beautiful.

Both women and men are bombarded daily
with images of what the world says is beautiful.
Tall, thin, blond...perfect.
We women think this is what you men want!
We are striving to be that perfect woman.
We desperately want to please and satisfy our husbands.
Yet we (or at least I) feel like I fail on a daily basis
because I will never be the perfect woman.
If tall, thin, blond is what Andy wants well I'm plum out of luck..
I'm a 5'0, brunette, who will never be a size 2 again.

Is that what you want, guys?
The perfect looking woman.

Andy assures me this is not what men want.
{not what he wants}

But guys..
YOU HAVE TO TELLS US THAT.

Recently, Andy told me that the least important thing to him is my physical beauty.
He would much rather a kind, gracious, humble, loving, gentle wife
than one who was drop dead gorgeous but possessed none of the above attributes.

I will admit..
this was shocking to me.
Seriously.
I just assume men are after the physical beauty.

We need your encouragement guys!
Encourage us to run after God!
Encourage us to cultivate inner beauty!
Tell us you think it's beautiful when we are kind and respectful!
Express your appreciation for an encouraging, supportive wife!
Tell us gentleness is beautiful!

We need to hear this.
We hear lies all day,
if not from the world than from our own minds!
We need truth spoken over us!
Speak truth and life to our hearts!

And since we are complicated creatures
we also need to hear that we are physically beautiful to you.
Regardless of our cellulite, our scars, our rolls, our wrinkles.
We need to know that we are adored.
We are cherished.
We need to know that you are proud to have us on your arm.

Your words of truth and encouragement
will dramatically change the way your wife views herself.
It will dramatically change her confidence,
and that my friends will dramatically change other areas
{if you catch my drift *wink, wink*}

Be men who run after God,
lead your wife!

Now go tell your wife she's beautiful!
:)

beauty

A few nights ago Andy and I
were relaxing together by watching some TV.
I wasn't really into whatever we were watching
but was enjoying some time to think of nothing.
{i have been praying for a "nothing box" --
it seems my prayers have fallen on deaf ears:)}
Just as I was drifting into nothingness,
a commercial came on that grabbed my attention:

"Are you considering lipo-suction but can't afford it?
Well no worries! We have the answer in this small pill!
It may cause a heart attack, you may go blind,
you will be moody and an absolute @&*!# to anyone who looks at you,
BUT you will be skinny! You will be beautiful! You will be happy!"

There goes my nothing box.
I was instantly in deep thought which turned to deep sadness.
THIS is what we care about.
THIS is what we spend our money on.
THIS is what consumes our thoughts.
THIS is what we think will bring us happiness.
being skinny. being beautiful.

Tragic.

It's not tragic that we want to be beautiful,
what's tragic is what we think beauty is!

The Lord has really been challenging me in this area.
I'm a 32 year old mother of 3,
my best days are behind me.
Or so I thought!

Yes, I've discovered some wrinkles on my forehead,
a chin hair (or 2) , I have cellulite, scars from surgeries,
and a six pack somewhere under the layer of fat.

But I'm realizing I'm gaining something besides weight!
I'm gaining confidence.
Not in myself, but in who God created me to be.
And I assure you God is not focused on my appearance.
He's looking at my heart.

I'm finding beauty comes
when I'm seeking to be more like Christ.
When I've surrender anxiety and fear -- I radiate
When I choose grace instead of anger -- I radiate
When I love the unlovable -- I radiate
When I place all hope in HIM -- I radiate
When I'm running hard after God -- I radiate

HE is beautiful,
the more I'm going after His heart the more his beauty rubs off.

There is a woman at my church who has shown me what true beauty is.
The Lord has repeatedly highlighted her to me.
SHE GLOWS.
Seriously.
She is like a magnet!
I just want to be near her.
She is battling cancer right now,
yet she is radiating peace, joy, and hope.
Christ just shines through her!
THAT is beautiful.

Let's stop focusing SO.MUCH. of our energy and our thinking
on our outward appearance.
Let's focus our thoughts on Him!
He will shine through us if we allow him,
and then we will radiate his infectious beauty!

'What matters is not your outer appearance -- the styling of your hair,
the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes --
but your inner disposition.
Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.'
~ 1 Peter 3:3-4

I love that!
Cultivate inner beauty....

What a challenge.

Let's make it our mission to change the definition of beauty.
May God highlight US to encourage the young women we encounter!