alive.

   Flat on my face.

That's where I have been this week.

Flat. On. My. Face.

This last year has been hard.

Spiritually speaking.

If you know me at all you know my passion and love for Jesus.

This last year Jesus and I kinda broke up for a bit.

I was heartbroken (though I wouldn't really admit it).

 And I know he was devastated.

What happened?

I'm still trying to figure it all out.

I think it started with allowing myself to wallow in discouragement and self pity

as I struggled to get a grip on my anxiety.

Why wouldn't God just take this horrible affliction from me?

I begged.

I pleaded.

I prayed.

I cried.

Nothing.

Well.
That right there kinda pissed me off.

Seriously.
Just heal me already.

I started to become annoyed at everything.

Every.thing.

Every Christian cliche I read or heard made me want to punch someone in the face.

I just gotta be real here, when you're suffering, Christians can be real annoying!

(yes, I am a Christian. I'm sure I've fallen into the annoying category a time or two)

Church annoyed me.

Why all the fuss?

The whole dressing up, rushing to church.

Can't I just read my Bible in my living room in my pj's?

(we attempted this many times but I never actually read my Bible. I did manage to stay in my pj's)

Then it happened. 

I stopped singing.

I don't mean I just stopped singing on the stage.

I stopped singing all together.

I would stand silent Sunday mornings as everyone around me lifted their hands and voices in praise.

Again, If you know me at all you know something must have been terribly wrong!

I am the loudest of all singers, with my hands held high 

and my feet are forever leaving the floor as I dance with joy!

But I couldn't. 

And GOSH! These happy, singing people are annoying.

I stood looking at my shoes.

Lips pressed tight.

On a recent Sunday morning as I stubbornly stood looking at my feet,

I realized I felt dead inside.

I felt nothing.

I was just ... there.

(And only because Andy drug me there)

"How long have I felt like this?" I wondered.

Too long.

"This isn't me. 

What is wrong?!"

I didn't want to but I went forward for prayer when the service was over.

I was brutally honest with the prayer minister about my feelings (or lack of).

She was incredibly kind and gracious.

She prayed for me.

I still felt nothing.

Oh well.

I tried.

I went about my days being annoyed.

But then one day I found myself singing.

"Hope has a way of turning it's face to you just when you least expect it.

You walk in a room and look out the window and something there leaves you breathless.

You say to yourself, it's been a while since I felt this but it feels like it might be hope."

Those were the lyrics I was singing.

Something was stirring in my belly.

Hope.

The days went on and the stirring continued.
Little by little I could feel my heart softening.
All those annoying things weren't quite as annoying anymore.

I started talking more and more with Jesus again.
Our conversations started with me kinda still complaining about things.
He listened but I'm sure I got an eye roll or two. ;)
And then suddenly I knew.
It was me.
I was the problem.
I had been harboring such anger, unforgiveness, self pity!

"Jesus. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for my bad attitude. I'm sorry for not trusting you. I'm sorry for refusing to worship you just because I didn't get my way. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

That was my first on my face moment of the week.
There were many more that are too personal to share but they were amazing.

Falling flat on your face and repenting is one of the most incredible experiences.
It's humbling for sure!
But incredible.
Why?
Because when you do, Jesus comes rushing right in.
He forgives immediately.
Then he forgets!
And he just loves on you.
You feel his warmth and his love so deeply.
It's indescribable.
And once you feel it you wonder how you ever doubted his goodness.

His goodness.
Just typing that made me smile.

Being annoyed and cynical is so exhausting.
Knowing God's goodness is exhilarating!

I feel alive again.
I feel him breathing life into my soul.
These dry bones are coming to life again!
Ready to dance!
A new song of praise on my lips!

Ironically tomorrow is Easter.
A day to celebrate!
A day to acknowledge that God is still living and moving among us!
A day to celebrate that although life is not perfect,
(I still have anxiety. You have your issues.)
We can live because he is alive in us.

Celebrate that this Easter weekend.
It might just make you fall on your face.