Just 3 days ago I sat here with a heaviness on my chest as I typed about my struggle with anxiety. For weeks I've been overwhelmed and consumed with my anxiety. I didn't think I had any fight in me this time around to show the devil who was boss. I just wanted to lay down and surrender. Let him win this one. It seemed much easier than fighting back.
Thankfully I'm surrounded by friends who could see I was tired and struggling and they helped me fight back. I had friends covering me in prayer! We had two dear friends stop by on Friday to pray with us. And I'll tell you what, during that prayer I could feel a change. I felt a strength come over me. I wanted to win this battle! I will not let the enemy steal my joy or take away the peace that God so desires us to live in.
This past year has been filled with so many blessings for Andy and I -- the anticipation of a new house and baby being just two of them. We have had so many wonderful things that have happened or are beginning to happen. Yet here I was living in fear, and shame, and sadness. This makes no sense?! During the prayer it hit me, the enemy is totally trying to take these blessings from me! He loves that I'm so blinded by fear and anxiety that I haven't enjoyed any of the good things that God has given to me.
Well NO more! I WILL fight back, I AM fighting back, and I WILL win. Do you know how I know I will win? Because God is on my side and he's already won! I LOVE IT!
How can I be filled with anxiety and fear with God on my side?
My life is still full of unknowns. Our housing situation is up in the air and we just recently found out that our sweet baby boy is having kidney trouble. We don't know much yet as we are waiting to meet with Maternal Fetal Medicine next week (I'll keep you posted). These two situations have had me in a total panic! To hear your baby may need surgery after delivery---let's just say I didn't take the news well.
BUT God is on my side! He can do anything, and we have boldly asked him to heal our son. We have boldly asked him to guide us as we make decisions about our house. We believe he can and will do both. But what I love even more than that is the peace he has poured over us. During the prayer time with our friends, Andy said he got a very strong feeling that everything would be okay. I could see in Andy's face that he truly believed it. God has promised us it will be okay. I don't know that it will necessarily be easy but I have that promise to hold on to when things get tough. God doesn't lie. So we are trusting and clinging to this promise.
I am writing this at 1:27am on New Years Day. I cannot think of a better way to start the New Year than with a promise from God and a renewed strength to take back what the enemy so badly wants to steal...my joy. I'm ready for the tests, and I'm ready for the refreshing that will follow. Walking through hard times is never fun but it always brings us closer to Jesus in the end. It gives us a deeper understanding of who he is. It shows us how deep his love for us really is. It brings greater revelation!
So I say more revelation, God! Show us who you are. Take us deeper still. Reveal your heart to us. We want more. I want more. That's my resolution -- more revelation! Even if it means walking through the valley for a bit. I know he is walking with me and I know he will use it all for his purposes and for his glory.
SO BRING IT 2011!!!!