i'm learning

Well hi there!
Long time no see.

Trusting you all had a nice Christmas and New Years with your family and friends.
I did.

Today I have set up shop on the couch,
a regular occurrence these days.
I'm frustrated,
another regular occurrence.
I'm a few months into treatment for my Lyme Disease.
I was hoping to feel well by now but no such luck.
Lyme disease is one of the main reason I have stopped blogging.
The disease has done quite a number on my brain.
I have a lot of trouble putting thoughts together, spelling, staying focused, etc.
(never knew lyme effected the brain).

I am going to attempt to blog again in hopes of keeping my spirits up!
Please have grace.
If I make no sense or if my spelling is completely off..
don't tell me! Just bear with me!

********************************

As I fight this disease I am learning a lot.
I decided early on I will not let this disease destroy me or
allow it to take me to that dark place of depression I've been so many times before.
It's a fight, that's for sure, but I WILL fight and I will use this time to learn and grow
and strengthen myself in the Lord!
(take that Satan! ha!)

Here's a few things I'm learning..


I'm learning humility as I cannot take on my daily tasks and need to ask people to help me.
Those people being YOU!
People cleaning our house, making our meals, washing my underwear!
Oh, it's so, so humbling.

I'm learning to let go of my perfectionistic ways.
My house is usually a disaster these days,
as is my appearance!
I love my home to be clean, inviting, a place that others want to be.
I'm learning however that others don't care if my home is just so --
they feel welcomed not when my home is perfect but when
I open the door with a hug and smile.
They don't need fresh apple pie and hot apple cider,
They don't need me to be dolled up with make up and my finest garb.
I'm finding people actually prefer when I come to the door in my sweats,
and they seem relieved as they step over toys
because they realize they aren't the only ones
with legos, doll babies, and shoes all over the place!
That has been freeing!

I'm learning God loves me just because I am,
not for what I do.
I hate not being able to serve others.
I hate that I am being served on a daily basis yet I cannot return the blessing.
I feel useless.
A pointless blob on her couch.
I want to save the world, you know!?!
I desperately want to adopt more precious children and give them a forever home!
I desperately want to travel the world singing God's praises!
I desperately want to be the woman God has called and created me to be!
How can I do these things from my couch?!
I can't.
But I'm learning -- He still loves me.
It's actually been through all of this that I've begun to really know
the depths of his love for me!
THAT, my friends, has been amazing.
And that, my friends, keeps me going.

He has proven himself faithful to me in the past,
He has never left me to flounder.
And although I wonder why he has not chosen to heal me,
I trust that he is doing something far greater than I can possibly imagine!
He is a good God, who has good plans for me (and you)!
So I will trust and I will wait and I will continue to learn and grow.

I pray (from my couch) that whatever season you are in right now,
that you are able to rest in his goodness,
I pray you will know the depths of his love,
And have the faith to trust in his promises.

The words above may sound cliche',
but there is nothing cliche' about knowing, really knowing
his goodness, his love, and having complete faith in his promises.
It's life changing!

Thank you, Jesus!

Thank you for listening to my ramblings!
It feels good to write my thoughts out again.
Although I must admit my brain hurts (literally hurts).
I'm sensing a nap is needed.

I hope to write again soon!
We shall see..