alive.

   Flat on my face.

That's where I have been this week.

Flat. On. My. Face.

This last year has been hard.

Spiritually speaking.

If you know me at all you know my passion and love for Jesus.

This last year Jesus and I kinda broke up for a bit.

I was heartbroken (though I wouldn't really admit it).

 And I know he was devastated.

What happened?

I'm still trying to figure it all out.

I think it started with allowing myself to wallow in discouragement and self pity

as I struggled to get a grip on my anxiety.

Why wouldn't God just take this horrible affliction from me?

I begged.

I pleaded.

I prayed.

I cried.

Nothing.

Well.
That right there kinda pissed me off.

Seriously.
Just heal me already.

I started to become annoyed at everything.

Every.thing.

Every Christian cliche I read or heard made me want to punch someone in the face.

I just gotta be real here, when you're suffering, Christians can be real annoying!

(yes, I am a Christian. I'm sure I've fallen into the annoying category a time or two)

Church annoyed me.

Why all the fuss?

The whole dressing up, rushing to church.

Can't I just read my Bible in my living room in my pj's?

(we attempted this many times but I never actually read my Bible. I did manage to stay in my pj's)

Then it happened. 

I stopped singing.

I don't mean I just stopped singing on the stage.

I stopped singing all together.

I would stand silent Sunday mornings as everyone around me lifted their hands and voices in praise.

Again, If you know me at all you know something must have been terribly wrong!

I am the loudest of all singers, with my hands held high 

and my feet are forever leaving the floor as I dance with joy!

But I couldn't. 

And GOSH! These happy, singing people are annoying.

I stood looking at my shoes.

Lips pressed tight.

On a recent Sunday morning as I stubbornly stood looking at my feet,

I realized I felt dead inside.

I felt nothing.

I was just ... there.

(And only because Andy drug me there)

"How long have I felt like this?" I wondered.

Too long.

"This isn't me. 

What is wrong?!"

I didn't want to but I went forward for prayer when the service was over.

I was brutally honest with the prayer minister about my feelings (or lack of).

She was incredibly kind and gracious.

She prayed for me.

I still felt nothing.

Oh well.

I tried.

I went about my days being annoyed.

But then one day I found myself singing.

"Hope has a way of turning it's face to you just when you least expect it.

You walk in a room and look out the window and something there leaves you breathless.

You say to yourself, it's been a while since I felt this but it feels like it might be hope."

Those were the lyrics I was singing.

Something was stirring in my belly.

Hope.

The days went on and the stirring continued.
Little by little I could feel my heart softening.
All those annoying things weren't quite as annoying anymore.

I started talking more and more with Jesus again.
Our conversations started with me kinda still complaining about things.
He listened but I'm sure I got an eye roll or two. ;)
And then suddenly I knew.
It was me.
I was the problem.
I had been harboring such anger, unforgiveness, self pity!

"Jesus. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for my bad attitude. I'm sorry for not trusting you. I'm sorry for refusing to worship you just because I didn't get my way. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

That was my first on my face moment of the week.
There were many more that are too personal to share but they were amazing.

Falling flat on your face and repenting is one of the most incredible experiences.
It's humbling for sure!
But incredible.
Why?
Because when you do, Jesus comes rushing right in.
He forgives immediately.
Then he forgets!
And he just loves on you.
You feel his warmth and his love so deeply.
It's indescribable.
And once you feel it you wonder how you ever doubted his goodness.

His goodness.
Just typing that made me smile.

Being annoyed and cynical is so exhausting.
Knowing God's goodness is exhilarating!

I feel alive again.
I feel him breathing life into my soul.
These dry bones are coming to life again!
Ready to dance!
A new song of praise on my lips!

Ironically tomorrow is Easter.
A day to celebrate!
A day to acknowledge that God is still living and moving among us!
A day to celebrate that although life is not perfect,
(I still have anxiety. You have your issues.)
We can live because he is alive in us.

Celebrate that this Easter weekend.
It might just make you fall on your face.

a beautiful truth.

You know that feeling.

Standing in front of the mirror

as you get ready for your big date night.

Hair in a towel.

Feeling excited as you put your red lipstick on.

Then you see it.

The pimple.

NO!

Next to the pimple ... a wrinkle.

Your eyes wander down to the dreaded 

"don't even look there" zone.

We'll call it the tummy region.

35 years old.

3 (BIG) babies.

3 c-sections.

Gallbladder surgery.

and the scar from that belly ring from wild days gone by.

Disgust takes over.

'I will never look the way I did when I met him.'

'I will never look like the Victoria Secret model'

 (that I think he so desires).

Then you see him staring at you in the mirror.

It's all over his face. 

The truth.

You see exactly what he's thinking.

He thinks you're beautiful.

Like, really beautiful.

Perfect?

No.

But as his bride.

He has seen every pregnancy, 

was there through each surgery, 

and has watched the wrinkles slowly form on your face.

And in that second

you know it's true.

This truth penetrates deep into your heart for the first time.

You are his beloved.

His eyes may be tempted at times to look astray.

But they always return to you.

You are what he wants.

You are what he has always wanted.

And he desperately wants you to believe that.

Finally.

Finally, I believe it.

I pray you can too.

goodbye world.

So maybe my title is a bit dramatic.

Maybe it should say goodbye facebook world.

I like to be dramatic though.

And I'm only saying goodbye for a short time

(at least I think).

God is calling me out of my comfort zone.

My comfort zone has always been on the stage.

With a microphone.

It feels like my home.

Where I belong.

On Sunday as we gathered with our church family to worship,

my heart ached to be on that stage leading.

But God said, 

"not right now, Sarah."

*sob*

Instead he is calling me to the most uncomfortable thing I can imagine.

SILENCE.

Just looking at that word sends a mild panic attack through my body.

Silence is so boring.

It's lonely.

Did I say boring?

I like fun!

I like parties!

And dancing!

And silliness!

I like small talk and chit chat!

I like updating my status and interacting with you all!

But alas.

God is asking me to retreat into solitude.

I think this will truly be one of my greatest tests!

It may be one of Andy's too since he'll have to hear all of the things I usually share with you!

#PrayForAndy

I'll leave my page up for a week so you can all digest this shocking news.

Or because I'm just not quite ready and I'm stalling...

I plan to be logged off until after Christmas.

So. Here are a few things I would have probably shared if I was on facebook:

*We are hosting thanksgiving in one hour and I'm still in my pajamas!

(oh wait. that was my status last thanksgiving.)

*10 years ago today our beautiful daughter was born. Where has the time gone?

Happy Birthday Sophie!

   ~insert adorable photo~

*Great night at the gym flipping some tires and doing some pushups!

 ~insert badass photo of myself~

*Photo of our Christmas tree

oh that reminds me...

*For the sake of our new simple life we will not be doing Christmas cards this year so:

Merry Christmas from The Bylers!

I think that covers the major events.

Although I'm hesitant and afraid

I know the Lord only wants the absolute best for me.

There is a reason behind of all of this and I know it is good.

Because my God is good.

I'm excited to see whatever it is he wants to show me.

So long my friends!

Well...in a week.... 

learning.

Andy and I have made a very conscious effort to simplify life by clearing our calendar.

It has been wonderful in every way.

Sure saying "no" can be uncomfortable at times 

but when we are home having an unhurried evening, enjoying our children

we are so thankful we chose to feel uncomfortable for that half a minute.

Clearing the calendar has meant there is a lot of time for thinking.

A lot of time.

I am learning a lot about myself.

I'm learning that I constantly search for noise.

TV, Pandora, texting, facebook, etc. etc. etc. etc.

I feel uncomfortable when it is silent. 

Yet once I get past the first minute or two it's actually quite enjoyable.

I'm learning I love to art journal.

I'm a terrible artist but I enjoy journaling with colors and doodles.

I do this every evening during our family candle time.

I'm learning my kids get on my nerves when I'm too "busy" for them.

"Why do you need your butt wiped this freaking second!?

I'm pinteresting a wonderful idea for the wine party I'm never going to have!"

**I stomp to the bathroom and acting as annoyed as possible I wipe the cute little butt.

I'm learning that I feel the need to share every thought that pops into my crazy little head.

(chuckling as I blog all these thoughts)

I keep thinking about high school.

I had NO cell phone.

No internet.

 Snapchat.

Voxer.

HOW DID I SURVIVE??

Really. 

No one ever knew all my thoughts.

They all thought I was normal.

And quiet.

I was even labeled shy.

HA!

So why now do I feel this constant urge to over share?

I really have no idea.

But I'm learning I need to keep some things sacred. 

Today as I was folding laundry Oliver pulled himself up on the basket and looked so cute.

I quickly stood to get my phone 

(which takes pictures and then can immediately be uploaded to the world).

Then I stopped.

I sat down.

I looked at his sweet slobbery smile as he chewed on a clean sock.

Oh the joy that overtook my soul.

A beautiful moment with my 9 month old son that passed too quickly

 (as he found a dead bug to chew on).

I would have missed that joy filled moment had I grabbed my phone.

I'm learning I want more of these moments.

This is going to be hard.

It will be uncomfortable.

Breaking habits always is.

But oh the joy I foresee as I cherish these sacred and fleeting moments.

I'm challenging myself to keep certain moments just for me.

Just for my family.

I'll continue to share on Facebook but I will be more careful about what and when I share.

I don't want to miss the magic of a moment so you can all see it.

I want to see it. 

And feel it.

And cherish it.

the simple way.

This week our History lesson is on Daniel Boone

(did you know he named his gun Tick-Licker? Very interesting).

As we read about Daniel Boone and his discovery of Kentucky,

I am drawn to the simplicity of his time.

Sure there was no road from Virginia to Kentucky.

And there were Indians lurking behind every corner.

Sure one or two people didn't make it to Kentucky because of "the fever" 

or some other strange disease.

But there is something beautiful in his journey.

The love of nature.

The hard work yet simple way of living.

Hunt for your food.

Make your clothes.

Work to simply live.

Not live to work.

I have also recently read the Little House books to the girls.

Again, hard workers yet such a simple life.

Listening to Pa play the fiddle around the fire every night.

Finding joy in reading a book as a family.

Dolls made out of corn stalks for goodness sake!

We canceled our cable this week.

Right before an Eagles game that would only be aired on ESPN.

GASP!!  

(not sure Andy thought that one through)

The original plan was for him to go to a friends house to watch it.

But then we did the unthinkable...

we dug out our old radio and LISTENED to the game!

Andy in his recliner with a beer and me at his side,

 just listening to a football game.

This was my version of listening to Pa play the fiddle by the fire.

I am craving simplicity.

I am craving a life that includes hard work minus the rush.

The rush is stealing my joy.

My peace.

And in turn stealing the joy and the peace of my family.

This constant rat race is sucking the life out of me.

So. I'm done.

I know this will not be the norm and I know many people won't understand this decision.

I am saying goodbye to all activities outside of my home for this busy season we are in.

We live in a society that says we can do it all!

We can be amazing mothers while building our careers, pursuing our personal dreams

and we are too look amazing doing it!

These women may exist. And more power to you if you are one of them!

I however, am NOT.

And guess what?

That's OK.

I am an amazing mother. 

I really am.

But I have allowed distractions and unrealistic expectations of myself to

turn me into a stressed out, exhausted, grouchy, mother.

As I step away from things and begin to refocus,

I am seeing for the first time that I'm good at this mothering thing.

And I actually really enjoy it!

When I take the TIME to enjoy it.

Don't get me wrong

it is HARD WORK!

But hard work is not what I'm separating myself from.

I want to have time to notice the beautiful cornfields against the blue sky.

I want to sit around the dinner table with my family without rushing off to the next event.

I want to dry the dishes with my girls and talk to them.

I want to sit at my husbands side and listen to the football game on the radio.

I want the simple life.

Saying goodbye to the rat race is actually painful at times as I say goodbye 

to some of my dreams and goals, and probably even some friends who won't understand.

But the peace and joy that lies ahead for myself and my family is worth the short-lived pain.

This life is short and precious and beautiful.

I want to experience the beauty.

I want to live a life of love, joy and peace the way God intended me too.

"The battle for our hearts are fought on the pages of our calendars" - Bob Goff

hope for the anxious.

It's been so long since I've written a blog post that I couldn't find my own blog!

Then once I found it I realized the baby in my photo is now 3

and we've added a baby!!

I'm not looking to start blogging again

I just wanted to share something and it was too long for a Facebook post.

Most of you will not care too much about this and that's fine.

But I wanted to share for the many people who have text me, 

messaged me and asked me about my journey with anxiety

as many of you are (unfortunately) on a similar journey.

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember.

I didn't identify that it was anxiety until my 20's

but looking back it's always been there.

I somehow got labeled as "laid back" when I was young.

I guess I appear that way most of the time.

Inside however I am far from laid back!

Inside I have a feeling of a constant adrenaline rush.

It never stops.

It's exhausting.

There have been days that I feared my body would literally shut down from the exhaustion.

A few years ago I began a mild anxiety medication.

It worked wonders!

I experienced relief for the first time.

However, over the last 9 months my anxiety went from a constant 5 to a constant 10!

It was literally debilitating.

I would curl up in bed and listen to worship music for hours.

I quit the worship team because I could hardly get up on the stage to sing anymore.

(I quickly came to my senses though knowing I couldn't live without leading worship 

and begged Gary to let me back on the team!)

Things seemed dire and I told Andy I needed to do something immediately.

My body couldn't handle the endless anxiety.

I called my family doctor who prescribed me a stronger anxiety medication.

YES! 

No.

This medication turned me into a zombie.

I could hardly keep my eyes open through out the day.

Someone with 4 kids needs to keep their eyes open!

I was so discouraged and losing hope that I'd ever find relief.

I asked Andy to call Phil Haven and have me checked in.

I seriously asked him to do that.

(OK maybe I just wanted a vacay from the kids but whatever..)

With the recommendation from a dear friend we found a counselor and made an appointment.

For the record, I think EVERYONE could benefit from counseling!

Andy came with me and afterwards said,

"I didn't think I was one for counseling but I loved that!"

Talking brings healing.

The first question my counselor asked was "do you exercise regularly?"

Um. No.

His reply.

" YOU MUST."

Exercise is a must for anyone struggling with anxiety (and I would imagine depression).

I went to the YMCA that night with my fitness freak father :)

It felt so good.

Andy and I joined the gym the next week.

I.FEEL.AMAZING.

I have been working out 5/6 days a week for 3 weeks.

My anxiety has gone from a 10 to a 2.

THAT IS INCREDIBLE!

Why had my family doctor (who I love by the way) never suggested this?

Why was he so quick to drug me?

I think it's just what we do in America.

 For years I've searched for relief using:

Drugs

Alcohol

Food

Medication

and anything else that I thought would make me feel better, if even for a few short moments.

I've never experienced anything like the high I get from a good workout!

I have finally found the relief I have been searching for.

If you are struggling with anxiety or depression

I highly, highly encourage you to start a daily workout routine.

I know everyone is different and everyone's journey will look different

but I am confident that exercising will help anyone struggling with mental health.

And I am hopeful it will also get me back into my skinny jeans! HA. 

As you continue your journey and I continue mine,

I hope that the stigma of anxiety and depression can be broken.

That's a huge reason I'm even writing this. 

I KNOW for a fact I am not alone.

And there is hope and healing for all of us struggling!

I am moving forward with the help of My (loving, patient) God, my amazing husband, counselor, family and friends, prayer warriors, and my new passion for exercise!

Don't keep your struggle a secret.

Ask a trusted family member or friend to pray with you.

Seek help from a counselor who can help you work through things.

And never walk in shame because you're struggling.

OK, my baby needs to eat so I gotta run!

Then I"m off to the gym for a Warehouse Workout!!

Praying peace, healing, hope and joy over all of you who are struggling!

much love.

world changer

A stirring for missions has always been on my heart.

I see myself working in an orphanage,

feeding the homeless,

traveling the world; leading thousands in worship.

These things move me.

They excite me.

They have been my desires and prayers.

I want to make a difference.

Leave a mark.

Yet here I sit in Lancaster County.

 

I fold laundry.

I cook.

I clean toilets.

I tie shoes.

I sign permission slips.

I pick up toys.

Change diapers.

Give baths.

Fold laundry.

 

Hardly making a mark on this world.

 

I often get restless.

I feel useless.

Sometimes trapped.

 

When I asked God, recently why I cannot go on a "mission"

he clearly spoke to my heart,

"You are on a mission. 

I created this specific task for you.

I've given you these specific people to love. 

Serve them with all your heart.

Love them. 

Minister to them. 

Equip them.

For I have a specific task in mind for each of them too!"

 

 I'm not running an orphanage in Guatemala - 

but I have 3 children who need tender love and care.

I may not be feeding the homeless -

 but I have 4 mouths right here to feed.

I may not be a well known worship leader - 

but I sing Jesus Loves Me every night to a captive audience.

 It can seem small.

It can be hard.

It can make you bang your head on the kitchen counter.

(I can't be the only one who does that)

 

{My sweet, dear children can turn me into an absolute lunatic!

A nice game of Candy land can quickly turn into crying kids 

and a screaming mom, who throws the game in the box and says "forget it!"

And making brownies with ones children .. well that can drive a mother to drink!}

 Story time:

I was cooking with my kids.

They were making me curse under my breath.

I felt my blood pressure rising.

I stopped, 

turned away from the kids,

closed my eyes,

 and silently said

"OK Jesus, now. 

This is when I need you. 

Right. Now. 

Please help."

 

I trust he knew exactly what I needed.

Patience.

Grace.

Love.

Gentleness.

 

No one was injured during the rest of the task

and we even enjoyed it.

That is God at work, people.

 

He is using this mission field to work in my heart.

To teach me as I teach them.

To stretch me.

To show me what it really means to serve.

To love.

I'm learning to love this mission.

I'm allowing him to work in me instead of protesting.

I'm embracing this enormous task!
I have the ability 

(with the Lords help and guidance)

to raise 

WORLD CHANGERS.

Humble, servants who lead by love.

And where will they learn to love?

Right here.

 

 My sphere of influence may not be large,

 but my influence on the people inside these 4 walls is enormous.

 

I can make the biggest mark,

leave the greatest legacy,

by simply loving the ones in my home, first.